All you women want is someone to treat you like trash.
- This is not about me. - It's all about you.
You got a good guy in Billy.
He loves you and he wants to treat you right,
but you got to come sniffing around me.
Alison's got good guy Billy.
Why's she sniffing around Jake?
The dental work in LA is just tops.
I should've gone to Loyola Marymount when I had the chance.
It's the Hotdogger!
I love "Melrose Place."
Thanks for inviting Honey and me
to watch with you flock of swans.
I'm surprised you showed up, Honey.
I didn't think you liked this show.
I don't, but I'm always happy to spend time at Jessica's house,
where I feel welcome.
Unlike your house, Deidre.
Deidre, your hair always looks so amazing.
How do you get it so shiny all the time?
Oh, you girls know my trick.
Olive oil.
My hair still feels like straw,
and I've been sleeping with olive oil in it
every night for a year.
- Harvey doesn't mind that? - Oh, he minds.
He started sleeping in the guest room.
Says it's 'cause of the oily pillows,
but what if there's somebody else?
Oh, Carol-Joan, you're imagining things.
Too bad Marvin's ex-wife wasn't.
Okay.
Shh! "Next week on 'Melrose Place'" is coming on.
Where is "Next week on 'Melrose Place'"?
Oh, that was the finale.
- What does that mean? - The season finale?
It's the last episode of the show
until the new season starts in September.
So they just take summers off?
Well, they do make 32 episodes a year.
But there's 52 weeks in a year!
Not even teachers take 20 weeks of vacation!
Teachers!
I went to Pepperdine.
I was a Zeta.
All Zetas are trash.
S02E19 Jessica Place
sync and corrected by ninh www.addic7ed.com
Knock, knock. You ready to go?
I can't believe "Melrose Place" is just over, Honey.
What am I supposed to do now?
It was only on for an hour a week.
Is an hour of joy not enough joy?
Come on.
Let's go for a jog around the neighborhood.
We'll get your endorphins flowing.
Being out in our boring neighborhood
is just gonna remind me how much better "Melrose Place" was.
There's no drama here.
No twists, no dark secrets revealed.
No unlikely alliances,
no betrayals between friends.
No quick head turns followed by...
What did I do with my life
before Deidre introduced me to this show?
How can you hang out with that awful woman?
She's not genuine.
Plus she refuses to forgive me
for breaking up Marvin and his ex-wife.
Because that was all my fault, right?
Wasn't her cocaine addiction or the fact
that she identified as asexual during the last census.
Aww, you look so handsome, Evan.
Got to look sharp for today's HOA meeting.
We're voting on the cow mailbox
Lisa wants to put up in front of her house.
Love cows.
Me too.
It's so funny. She calls it a moo-box.
Do you think Evan will be more of a Billy...
Or Dr. Michael Mancini?
You need a distraction to take your mind off of this show.
Like what?
We're getting a pool!
- Yes! - Awesome! - What?
Honey gave me the idea.
They have one on "Melrose Place,"
and they never get bored.
This will give us something to do all summer
till the show comes back.
This is gonna be ill.
Me under a waterfall,
cute broads doing cannonballs.
Giggling.
An above-ground pool?
Where's the grotto at?!
Hey, a pool's a pool.
Why can't you be more like Emery?
Calm and idyllic,
like the waters of a SwimBowl Pro 800.
I love it. Boys, swimwear. Go!
But the giggling.
The hell? What... is... this?
This was not approved by the HOA.
Don't you want a pool?
Of course I want a pool.
So what's the problem?
Um, the law.
The HOA bylaws state that we have to vote
on all visible property changes.
I don't need somebody's permission
to put a pool on my own property.
They'll fine you $35 a day.
$35 a day?!
That's like a suite at the Hyatt!
Fine.
We'll vote on the pool at the next HOA meeting.
$35 a day.
That kind of money,
I could've flown to see Oprah speak in Biloxi.
He's really having fun.
He's a good dad.
Whoo-hoo-hoo! Handstand!
Okay, now you two have a breath-holding contest.
I'll judge.
Damn!
That is a nice vest he's wearing.
Huh. Wonder where he got that vest.
I bet he got it at Structure.
Every time I see that store, I want to go inside it.
Why don't I ever go inside it?
Can I pull off a vest like that?
I won!
You cheated!
Dad, you saw him, right?
He came up for air twice!
Weren't you watching?
Uh, no, I wasn't.
Eddie!
Dude.
Structure's open till 9:00, right?
But Deidre, the bylaws say
nothing against the hilarious moo-box.
You raise the udders up for outgoing mail.
We seek to enforce the spirit of the bylaws in this HOA,
so I'm sorry, Lisa, but my veto against your mailbox stands.
Thank you for trying.
Moving on to new business, I suppose.
Thank you!
Thank you for having me.
Would love the recipe for those meatballs.
- Oh, 1 cup diced onion... - Written down.
I'm here because of my new above-ground pool.
- I think that... - Girl, it's okay.
We're ready to vote on that.
Yes. Deidre.
My girl.
All in favor of the Huangs' pool?
All opposed?
Carol-Joan?
Amanda?
Meatball?
Deidre?
Sorry, girl.
Above-ground pools are a real tack-fest.
Well, not mine. Mine has faux wood paneling.
I can't believe Deidre
made everybody vote against my pool!
She's not a genuine person.
This is what I've been telling you.
The worst part about Deidre
is she is so quick to judge other people.
Personally, I think she has
a few judge-worthy secrets of her own.
What secrets?
We shouldn't be out here in the dark.
Alligators roam at night.
What was that?
Shh. It's just a sprinkler.
I knew it.
Jessica, look.
Who is that?
Oh, my God.
How could Deidre do that to Carol-Joan?
She's her best friend.
This is such a betrayal.
We have to tell her.
But we need proof or she'll never believe us.
Marvin takes this on safari.
Your mom is doing some sort of fun investigation with Honey,
so I swung by the mall
and picked us up some dinner from Wolfgang Chang's.
How can you act so normal after what happened today?
I've never seen Emery so mad.
Emery's had tantrums like that before.
No, he hasn't.
I once kicked him in the jumbles,
and he just said, "Oh, well."
He's always had a hard time expressing negative emotion.
You were too young to remember, but when he was little,
Emery would let stuff build and build
and then explode at the smallest thing.
And after it was over,
he'd just go back to being his regular self.
Hey, guys. What's for dinner?
Oh, coming right up.
Hey, what happened, dude?
You had a full-on meltdown in the pool.
Yeah. I guess I did.
You got to start being more open with your feelings
so you don't have outbursts like that.
What do you mean?
If something frustrates you, just say it.
Like what do you really think
about this Wolfgang Chang's whack-ass Chinese food?
I guess it's kind of weird there's pepperoni in the shumai.
Yes! Super weird!
And how about how Evan always takes your blanket
in the middle of the night?
That is selfish of him.
He has enough blankets.
He has a million.
Okay, now say something you've been holding in about me.
I guess I think you're kind of a cheater.
You cheated in that breath-holding contest.
I did. I did cheat.
And you know what else?
You wouldn't have been able to cheat
if Dad had been paying attention
when he's supposed to be judging our contest.
Who's ready for some General Tso's coleslaw?
You're too old for that vest.
Are you a football player at a post-game press conference?
No. Then take it off!
Thanks, Eddie. I feel good.
Thanks for dinner, Dad.
I just can't believe Deidre would do this to me.
I mean, all these years, I thought she was my friend.
But this entire time right under my nose,
she's been wearing a wig.
That's right. Deidre wears a wig.
A wig of lies.
You can thank Honey. She had a hunch.
You don't spend four months doing makeup
for the all-deaf cast of "Starlight Express"
and not know a wig when you see one.
All I ever wanted was shiny hair like hers.
Do you know how much money I have spent on olive oil?
I have adult acne around my hairline.
You know what?
I am not covering for her anymore.
What do you mean?
The wig isn't the only thing she's hiding.
Settle, girls. Settle.
Carol-Joan, the floor is yours.
Yes, Carol-Joan.
Do tell us why you dragged everyone to my house
for this last-minute mystery meeting.
Oh, my pleasure, Deidre.
That's my backyard. So what?
Oh. Let's go a little closer, shall we?
What is that?
Jessica, Honey.
- Mojito? - Mojito?
Mock-ito?
Mojito?
Okay, this is silly. Everybody out!
I hope you're all enjoying the mojitos I made
with the fresh mint...
From Deidre's illegal herb garden!
Herb gardens aren't permitted in this neighborhood.
Any resident found in possession of one
must be immediately expelled from the HOA.
Come on, girls, be reasonable.
It's just a silly herb garden.
And mine was just a silly cow mailbox.
I call for a new vote on old business.
All those in favor of cow mailboxes
and above-ground pools?
Yes!
Oh, and Deidre wears a wig.
We knew that.
Jessica doesn't suspect a thing.
I don't want to get in trouble.
You won't.
Our plan worked perfectly.
Your mom doesn't know I planted the idea of a pool in her head,
knowing it would turn Deidre against her
and lead to her downfall.
Poor Deidre.
All alone.
The whole neighborhood shunning her.
Let's see how she likes it.
She'll never disrespect the HOA bylaws again.
I have to say I was surprised
you wanted to take down Deidre, too.
I thought you were friends.
We power walk together, sure,
but I can't be friends with someone
who puts their own needs above the association.
Whoa! You two are pulling the strings?
What an unlikely alliance.
Hot dog! Didn't see that one coming.
Yo. You really hurt Dad's feelings.
What are you talking about?
You told him he was too old
for that button-up tank top he got.
He really loved that thing.
You told me to do it.
I said express your frustrations,
not ruin a man's life.
I was better off before.
At least when I kept things in, I wasn't hurting anyone.
I feel terrible.
Emery, wait.
Who's that bear from "The Jungle Book"?
Baloo?
Yeah. Baloo.
Oh!
Bond girl.
Hello, Jessica.
Deidre?
How long have you been standing there?
20, 30 minutes.
Why are you wearing a black wig?
Well, since Carol-Joan told everyone I wear one,
I figured, why not change things up?
Deidre, accept it. You lost.
You're not a member of the HOA anymore
and I get to keep my pool.
Oh, poor Jessica.
Poor, poor Jessica.
Poor, poor, poor, poor...
Sorry, I lost my train of thought.
What was I saying?
Oh, yes.
Poor Jessica.
You have no idea.
No idea about what?
You're getting played.
I'm sorry, Dad.
I didn't mean to hurt your feelings.
It's okay, son. I know you weren't trying to.
Don't worry. I'm never gonna open up like that again.
I always want you to feel like you can be open with me,
whether I like what you're saying or not.
Although I'm surprised you got so upset
in the pool in the first place.
It's been a long time since you had one of your outbursts.
Oh, yeah. Because I have my jars.
My scream jars.
Go on.
Whenever I feel angry,
I just come up to my room
and scream into one of these jars.
Like this.
I usually have one with me at all times,
but my travel jar couldn't fit in the pocket of my swim trunks.
Son, I'm gonna level with you.
This is... strange.
Like, I-don't-want-to-tell- your-mother strange.
Let's come up with a better way to channel your energies,
a way we're okay with other people knowing about.
Mm-hmm.
Yee-haw!
That was fun.
Hey. I'm here for the pool party.
I brought crab dip.
I know.
I know you've both been playing me.
There is no "pool party."
How did you find out?
Here's a fun twist. Deidre told me.
I was about to go for a swim when Deidre stopped by.
She looked fantastic.
Cannot get her out of my head.
She told me she'd been handling the HOA rejection well,
until she noticed she was out of kitty litter.
Always calm in a crisis,
Deidre reached for some scrap paper
she didn't mind getting cat poop on.
That's when she saw it.
Meow.
Herb gardens installed before August 1988
are grandfathered in,
and therefore permitted under HOA bylaws.
Deidre's was planted in '87,
but you already knew that, didn't you...
Evan?
Let him go!
He's afraid to cross the street by himself.
This whole time I thought
I was the queen controlling the chess board.
Turns out I was just a pawn in your little game.
I am so sorry, Jessica.
For what? This was amazing!
It was like real-life "Melrose Place,"
but even better because I was in it.
"Jessica Place."
Tell me why you did it so I can be shocked.
I couldn't stand that you were friends with Deidre.
I've seen what those women have to say when I'm in the room,
and I can't imagine what they say when I'm not.
I didn't want them to turn you against me.
This neighborhood was unbearable for me before you got here,
and I don't want to lose you.
Honey, I promise you, that will never happen.
I got your back, girl.
Aww.
Mm!
It was all Honey's idea.
Absolutely anytime.
I'm sorry I lied about the olive oil.
You always admired my hair so much,
I had a hard time telling you it was a wig.
It's a really good wig.
What are you doing here?
You don't come to these meetings.
I've always wanted to take
a more active role in the community,
but I never have because of you.
I'm not gonna let you make me feel uncomfortable anymore.
You know, I get why you did what you did to me.
Out of loyalty to your friend.
Same reason I'm so bitchy to you.
For Sarah.
Who is Sarah?
Marvin's ex-wife. My best friend.
Oh, right.
Mm.
Deidre...
Evan has something he'd like to tell you.
I'm sorry I got you expelled from the HOA.
Thank you, Evan.
Can we keep our pool?
Probably not.
Can Lisa keep her moo-box?
Fine.
It was all for the moo-box.
I love this show.
Me too. You never know what's coming.
I'm Anne, by the way. Just moved in down the street.
Honey! This new one's making her move!
That's a wig.
Wha...?
I see now why they don't allow those.
We just need to find a healthier outlet for your emotions.
Thank you. That's exactly what I've been saying.
Yeah, a few vigorous laps in the pool will...
What happened to the pool?!
The HOA voted against it.
Turns out a lot of people thought it was tacky.
Like that vest you had.
Do you want me to get you a jar, Dad?
I know where they are!
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